Leaving on a Jet Plane

A cliche title, but I feel like my emotions are somewhat cliche at the moment - or at least to be expected. For weeks people have been asking if I'm excited to go; and for weeks I've been restraining myself from really considering the answer to that question.

At least I haven't focused on the negative TOO much, which is a plus for pessimistic, realistic me. But I hadn't let myself sink into the world of excitement either. Afterall, we still have class. Tomorrow. I had to finish the semester, but now that it's nearly over, my bags are packed (just two more sweaters to squeeze in after I pick them up from the sweater-mending-lady in the market tomorrow afternoon), my tickets printed, and my game plan for the next 24 hours written out in extreme detail so I can't possibly forget anything (hah. as long as it's not my passport...)

And suddenly now my stomach is doing flip flops, dancing like Buddy the Elf on the mailroom table, halfway because I'm learning to hate flying, halfway because I'm so flipping excited to see J, and halfway because I know I have an excruciating day and a half left to endure before I get to be on that plane to DC.

DC will be good. I have to go into this believing that. Yes, I'll get bored sometimes; yes, he'll be busier than either of us wants; yes, we'll finally find something to fight about. BUT it will all be worth it, and we'll come away from it stronger and more committed and more in tune with each other, ready to face the next 4 months of distance.

Um, not to mention... 7 weeks together!? Are you kidding me?! It's gonna be freaking awesome!

Distance creates a new breed of insecurity

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I really struggle with the distance in our relationship. Lately it's been getting worse. This could be for a lot of reasons, but the ones that come to mind are 1) it's been more than five freaking months since we've seen each other (he left July 6), and 2) just 16 more days til we're finally together again.

All this focus on time has made me look at all that the 'stolen six months' of our relationship is missing out on... especially since we've been long distance since Day 3. We're missing dates and kisses and laid back movie nights and even real fights that SD couples get to have without any effort. If you've ever been in a LDR, I'm sure you understand...

We're 13 time zones apart, and we both lead incredibly busy lives, so our communication, when measured quantitatively, is far from ideal. When we get to talk (about once a week, with scattered emails and gchat on a daily-ish basis, although until this month it wasn't that often) though, the quality is phenomenal (and I don't mean the video connection quality, HAH!).

...sometimes I get to feeling like our relationship is an afterthought, tagged onto our busy lives. And I wonder if we'll be able to make it work as a real life couple.

And then I remind myself that I fell in love with him for a reason, and that we didn't decide to date, let alone get married, lightly. And I feel better, but the insecurity... well it has a way of creeping back in.

J and I have talked about this countless times, and he is amazing at reminding me why this is all going to be worth it, and assuring me that when we are together physically, we'll find ways to adjust our schedules, and he's been great about adjusting his time to meet my emotional needs (thus this past month he emails me daily after I sent him a tearful late night email asking "How do I even know you love me the other six days a week?" his response was super reassuring, haha).

I know it's illogical, and that drives me almost as crazy as the insecurity itself, because I can't seem to get a handle on it. But hey, time will tell, right? 16 days, in this case. I can't help but expect that our 7 weeks together will be such a great time of growth and learning for our relationship, and that's exciting and scary and everything all at once!

How did I get here?

I live in China.
This is a strange realization that I make sometimes... you would think that after 2 1/2 years here, I would be adjusted to the fact, but I'm not.
How did I get here? I wonder some days. And, more importantly, When did I get so used to life here? other days.
I don't remember ever being pushed as a kid. I was quiet, a dreamer, got good grades because I was terrified of disappointing anyone - much to my parents' bewilderment. I never messed up, so they never needed to push me. I pushed myself, although I don't know why.
But I never saw myself overseas. Sure, vacationing in Europe, yeah, but living in a dirty apartment in China? Never crossed my mind.
And yet, I really love it here. Life is weird here, and hard, but it's also so, so, so good, and I've found so much joy here. To the point that, with seven weeks in the States quickly approaching, I am not excited about leaving. Somehow, Loving China has gotten mixed up with Not Missing America.
I'm excited to see J, to spend time with him, to get to know him better and in a new way; but spend time in the States? Go grocery shopping with a cart instead of a recycled grocery sac? Buy prepackaged, frozen and canned foods instead of vegetables off a donkey cart? Brave a shopping mall and be surrounded by clothing that actually might fit me? And shoes? Restaurants of every shape, size and flavor, instead of just the daily choice between rice or noodles?
The prospect is daunting. I can completely understand how hard it is to emigrate to a country like America, for someone from a less developed/international nation - life is just so much more complex in the States.

Oh well. It'll just take some adjusting, just like life here did. I just hope I can learn to weave more seamlessly between these two cultures I love over time, because J and I have some back and forth in our future!

Ring Shopping

I have good reason to believe J is buying/ordering my ring today. It feels ... surreal. Actually, our whole relationship feels surreal. I think that's been the hardest part of doing long distance - convincing myself that it's real; I really am in a relationship, I really do need to plan a wedding, this really is happening. It's strange, because of the distance.

I ought to be overwhelmingly excited. Instead, I just feel... overwhelmed? Or underwhelmed. And, if I'm being completely honest, a little unprepared. 5 months of long distance - is he really ready to ask me to marry him? Am I really ready to say yes?

Time will tell, and we do have time together, coming up. I wish it were sooner, but there isn't a lot to be done about that.

Day 2

I am not sure why I think trying to post every day this month is a good idea. Clearly it isn't.

Oh NationalBlogPostingMonth (NaBloPoMo). What a way to start a blog.

The earliest J and I might get married would be around this time next year. Which means the latest we should start looking at booking a venue is around... now. But are we ready for that? Nope. January. We'll do it in January. Hopefully.

I've been going back and forth a lot lately about whether we need a wedding coordinator or not. It would be really great, in some regards, but realistically? It's money we could be spending on food. Or photographs. Or, heck, my dress. Oh to live in a world where money doesn't matter. I don't want to spend more than we have to, but at some point the stress of searching for the best deal, instead of what makes my heart happy, gets old.

You'd think 10K would go a lot further. Seriously. It sounds like a lot, but ... it just gets eaten up. Goodbye money, poof!

Booking Flights and Taking Names

I booked my flight to America almost 5 months ahead of time - which turned out to be great, because prices went WAY up right after I booked. And because I picked the cheap day to travel, when the flight got canceled, Continental rebooked me for free on the next day's flight - which was $600 more expensive when I originally booked. Cha-qing, I feel like I saved that money! Plus it's more convenient to fly out then, although not $600 more convenient...

Today I booked J and my flights to our hometown during my stay with him. He's going to take a four day weekend (one vacation day, one holiday) in mid January and we'll go up together. Then he'll go back on Monday, and I'll stay for a few more days, and go back on Thursday. We can do 3 days apart after this 6 months nonsense ;)

I booked our flights today. Got them for about a hundred cheaper than he usually pays to fly home, so that's encouraging.

I love the thought that we're traveling together for once. I selected our seats on the two hour flight up, and all I could think was "he'll sit right there, and I'll sit right next to him. and I can lean on him, and I can hold his hand, and we can talk to each other."

I'm never going to want that flight to end.

Considering the length and loneliness of international flights to see each other, two hours will be short, but at least we'll be together. Arrrgh I am so in love with this guy!

Not really me

I have never been the girl who dreamed about her wedding and had the whole thing planned out and imagined from the age of 5. I don't have a clue what my dress will look like, I don't have colors picked out, I don't really have anything settled at all. I'm the girl who has always loved the romance of weddings, but never put much more than vague thought into her own. Even now, as I do start to think about planning, I find myself reacting much more strongly to things I DON'T want than to things I DO. So why am I spending so much time and energy obsessing over weddings and all things wedding related (while never actually finding inspiration for my own)?

I think it's avoidance. Avoidance of the real task at hand in my life right now -- Chinese.

Studying Chinese is one of the singly most boring and difficult tasks I have ever been handed. Studying a language full time is all about routine - previewing, reviewing, and the monotony of studying the same content for three weeks in a row (overlapping with two other sets of content, so each has a week of preview, study and review, respectively) - and I'm not a routine kind of girl. I mean, SOME routine, sure, but routine that consists of spending my evenings drilling flashcards for hours at a time? Or mumbling my way through dialogues and paragraphs? Blah.

So, my naturally obsessive personality has turned into a wedding starved beast. All that's in my head lately is Chinese grammar and American weddings.

Proof that this obsession is irrational? I have even less decided about what I want for my eventual wedding now than I did two months ago... before the obsession began.