Hard going

I had been told, by pretty much everybody (well, mostly by ejs, over and over) that this time together wouldn't be all rosy and fun, that it would be hard too. And I knew that the culture shock would be hard. So why do I feel so unprepared now that it IS hard and that I'm really struggling?

I'm sure some of it is hormonal, because, really, bursting into tears in the supermarket aisle when J asks what flavor of yoghurt I want, is a little extreme. Even for me.

A lot if it is the culture though. I'm totally overwhelmed. I know I'm comfortable in China, but too often that means I'm not comfortable here in the States anymore. Groceries in China means visiting half a dozen markets, each specialising in something different - vegetables at one, fruit at another, the butcher next door. Everything comes fresh and cheap, and all the basic necessities are available on my walk home from school. Meals don't need to be planned ahead, and grocery lists can be made one day at a time. Things here aren't like that. Grocery shopping here means choices, because anything you want to buy has an entire aisle dedicated to it in the supermarket, a huge, overwhelming building where the English screams off all the boxes and cans and bottles and bags that I haven't seen in 18 months, and the smells change from aisle to aisle, and only the produce seems to be odorless - everything seems so backwards, and so unlike I remember.

Poor J has to endure it as I stand there and cry, completely incapacitated and unable to make simple decisions, white or wheat bread? But in my life, bread has become bread, and the choice is usually between sweet Chinese bread or darker, less dense western bread. White or wheat is a question of my childhood, one I'd nearly forgotten existed.

It's hard to put into words why I am so upset. Overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe the intensity and hugeness of this emotional weight pressing on my chest. It is something akin to terror, something like grief, something of annoyance, but bigger and more capable of eating alive my energy and my joy.

I need to tell him, because I'm afraid he thinks it is him I am upset with, or that he is simply annoyed with me for being so incredibly broken right now, but he has a right to hear it from me, straight forward and honest, and anyway, I need him to get through it.